Nothing really matters

There is this girl I know that saw her mom get shot when she was three years old, another girl I know that was locked in the bathroom basement for 3 months, a boy I know that will never grow very tall because he suffered from such malnutrition as a young child…this is what I see and deal with every single day. When you deal with this, it really starts to feel like not too much matters except the few really important things. I’m even coming to the point where I’m not that interested in my vintage dresses anymore…my favorite thing. My family, my friends and my job are all I’m really coming to care about. I don’t want the gossip, the coolness, the race. It’s all bullshit.

Sorry for depressing.

4/22/09 I feel the need to continue with this:

Here’s what I learned about myself in teh last few years and why I’ll never be good at blogging:

1. I am a morbid, morbid person. In my spare time, when I’m not thinking about what I’m making for dinner, the new rash that Tagyn has and the upcoming work deadline, I think about death. 101 ways to die, the best way to go, making sure I have all my post-existing affairs in order (will, life insurance, etc), decomposition, my children, how other people are effected when their loved ones die, the different ways people are buried… BORING and WEIRD. I know. So really, there’s no need to share my daily thoughts on death with anyone, because it’s not something I’m depressed about or anything, it’s just what I think about. I noticed that when I blg, I’ve tried towrite about other things that don’t interest me as much and it shows. I don’t like writing it and it’s all very dull.

2.  I really just don’t care about writing my thoughts out anymore. Something has really happened to me in the last 3-4 years and I’ve just become an introverted person. I liek quiet contemplation. I don’t have an overwhelming need to discuss every awkeard encounter, feeling and misunderstanding. It seems that eliminating this aspect of my life has actually made life a lot easier.  I don’t HAVE to share every feeling I have. I do share some, but usually only the more superficial ones, which works well. I don;t think I need to go deeper than that, not usually.

3. I think the beginning of this post says it all. I’m seeing too many horrors on a daily basis. I empathisize so much with the population I work with, that I jsut feel drained everyday. When I come home, I have a one track mind — kids, dinner, chores, relax — no thinking deeply about anything.

4. No time for blogging and I don’t think I care about blogging.

There we go:)

holidaze

I think that so far this holiday is gonna be a good one. Of course there’s gonna be some awkward moments of awkwardness, there always is. But I’m super happy cause Casey is in town AND Sean is in town and I taught myself how to make cookies. So rather than sit around hoping that I get to eat someone else’s holiday cookies, I get to enjoy my own. Also, everyone is loving the jam that I made, I get to give the gift of jam and jelly to everyone and “spread” holiday cheer! heehee. AND I have a lot of friends that are losing their jobs, so I am really thankful I still have mine, for now anyway.

Hmmm, there was something else, I can’t think of what now.

Talking

There’s so much discussion these days, analyzing, conversing. I get too much or not enough of news and information when I want it and not fast enough…when my computers is running slow. Everyone and anyone can get in touch with me day and night by land line (used to be called telephone), cell phone, text message, email, other email, other other email, mail, walking to my house (city living), friend of a friend, company website, social networking site, professional networking site…you name it and I’m in it, right along with every single other person I know. More and more I find myself wanting solitude, where no one can find me and to be left alone. Doesn’t that sound nice? Quiet and stillness and alone = beautiful.

Does this ever happen – nope. I guess it would be worse the other way around, to be confined, away from people and society adn my loved ones and friends. This would be torture if it went on for too long, but having that time to jsut be what I am, human, animal, conscious, mad, relaxed, irritated, whatever, without worrying about offending or pretending and fitting in and participating and all those damn social norms.

I’m weird.

I hate pretending in the day to day to be professional when I’m really not.

I think dressing in “business casual” is annoying and stifling and boring.

I think the financial status symbols are loserific and boring.

I think that it would be awesome to have one day a year called “National Nonverbal Communication Day” and and no one was aloud to speak using their voice – only their eyes and hands and posture. I would love to have hte chance to only look people in the eyes when we were communicating -0 I think we would all be reminded of how alike and different and connected we all are.

I think it would be fantabulous to have a day when everyone gathers in common spaces thoguhout the day for sing alongs. Could you imagine, an entire town gathering in city hall just to sing “On the Road Again” and “Good Vibrations”…I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Sometimes I hate sarcasm.

Sometimes sarcasm is necessary, because it’s the only way to get the point across.

Sometimes sarcasm is just fucking funny.

I wish I didn’t notice body language and facial expressions, because I understand them all too well.

I like being alone.

It’s been a while

Alright…so lotsa stuffs happened since I last wrote to nobody. So I’m gonna give nobody an update…her goes.

My back is f*cked up, like so bad that I suffer silently everyday. You can often see me rubbing my back against a corner of a wall, I think people think I’m scratching my back bear style, but nope, that’s not it at all. I’m trying to releave the pain. I have learned a few yoga car moves that I can do at stop lights, it doesn’t really help, but I keep hoping it will.

Turning 30 truly has been a great year in a lot of ways. A part of me used to be very insecure about not understanding the dynamics of relationships, since I grew up with no real attachments. It’s only been through my adult life, that I’ve learned how to grow close with others. As a youth, I just went to a new foster home when a relationship got rough, now, most of the time I have to stick with it and work it out.

In times when someone else decided against a relationship with me, of course my feelins are hurt, but I don’t take it as harshly as I once did. Now I’ll be upset and then say, “eh”. Life it too damn short, right?

I’ve been having lots of crazy thoughts about our world. I don’t know if they’re are more thoughts or fantasies, but I am coming closer to the conclusion that when my children are all growd up, I want organize or help organize some sort of anti violence movements and protests. Basically, I know that there will always be a bad guys out there and folks are feel strongly about their beliefs and are willing to kill and be killed for them, but I have to say, I am really fuckin sick of trying to convince the teenagers I work with that problem resolution does not have to end in violence when the world and especially the US is so adamant about war. WTF anyway.

I was pretty certain of it before and I’m even more certain of it now, I am atheist. I say it loud and I say it proud. Since I first came out with my religious orientation 4 or 5 years ago, I have become more confident and comfortable in my beliefs. As it is, contrary to the belief in something, the belief in nothing does not lead to any belief bullying. I am convinced that others that do believe in something  are not outlandish and should be converted to atheism, rather I am happy for them that they have found something that will hopefully lead them to a happier and more fulfilled life and by happier, I do not assume to know what that is to everyone.  BUT, I have found, that trying to make other people think like me, does not make me happy. hmmm, no implications there.

Anyway, with that said, I am more comfortable in my personal relationships now too. It has taken me 30+ years to get to know someone, get through the initial awkwardness and then form a more meaningful bond. huh. It’s true, I had a really late start and a lot of bad tries and I’m sure a lot of burned bridges, but I think I’m getting close to having a similar level of maturity in my relationships as my peers. Yay, almost off the shortbus. 30 years.

Doing dishes has become habitual.

I got a dog.

I taught myself how to make jam and jelly, hello christmas presents. (and yes, it’s a damn holiday that is celebrated by almost everyone I know…I’m obligated leave me alone. And besides, I’m not celebrating the virgin birth…just being with my family and friends. so there.)

I’m gonna go back to school for my teaching certification.

I’m still in love with two people. Whatever that means, it’ll never go away.

My computer caught a virus when I was looking at porn. That sucked, but I wasn’t ashamed.

Life seems easier, I think. I like that. I think I’m gonna like getting older.

My other house is getting closer to being finished. Ethan works on it a lot and I just found an awesome deal on bamboo flooring!That’s exciting.

okay, tired now.

Happy Monday

Last Monday I stopped at teh gas station on the way to work and I pulled away with the gas nozzle still in the gas tank. Never thought I’d actually do that, but there ya go.

I was on the phone at work copying down an address I needed and the woman on the phone had to give it to me 3 times. I kept writing down Lincoln county and she said no, lafayette county, I said oh, lincoln and she said no, lafayette county. der.

When I got home from work that day, I went to change the litter box and used some grocery bags to put the kitty poop in. I lost the bag of poop somewhere in the house and I still haven’t found it. I can’t remember if I took it to the dumpster. Maybe I did.

back to the past

I ran into an old friend tonight. I was working and it turns out she now works with an organization that I come in frequent contact with, so I looked up and there she was. We had a falling out about 6 years (or more) ago and I never did stop thinking about her. I went to her house a little over a year ago to finally apologize and tell her how much I missed her and a stranger answered her door. She had apparently moved to Colorado about a year before.

I thought we were never going to be able to reconnect and that I was always going to have to live with that. I was ashamed of myself for not going to her sooner. When I saw her, my automatic reaction was to hug her, as if no time had passed and I was humbled when she hugged me back.

I keep wondering what the lesson in this is. The one that keeps coming to mind is that it is never too late, until it is. Luckily, I had the opportunity to tell Beth I was sorry, that I missed her and thank her for everything she had been to me.

This circumstance brings to mind several other relationships that could use mending. Am I going to wait 6 or more years mend them? I think the thing that holds me back the most is mistrust in my own emotions. Are they making these old relationships a bigger deal than what they ever really were? Or, does it really even matter.

I know that with Beth, I honestly thought I was never going to see her again and when I did, there was no thinking to it. The reaction was sincere and automatic and turmed out to be the right thing.

Maybe the bigger lesson is to just trust life and be open to all its opportunities, especially when it offers the chance to apologize and forgive.

feist

My friend has me on the phone right now listening to feist play live in nashville. she really does sound lovely. i was invited to go, but alas my jobsssss have kept me at home this time, boo. so in between songs, i’m stalking my friends online and watching videos on stumble all at the same time. i can multi-task!

ME today

I think this is sorta funny, maybe not, but maybe. I just got a second job at The Body Shop. It’s just part time through the holidays, but still, it’s the Body Shop, a silly little retail job. That’s funny to me.

My full time job is still going really well. I love it so much, it’s a little stressful, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

I ate a whole bunch of Halloween candy at once and got sick. Not good.  Why is it that I’m

all growd up and I still stuff myself with candy on Halloween night.

Foster Culture, wah?

I just posted  a few new things in my newish blog about foster care, foster teens and the damned system.

Here it is if you wanna see. Foster Culture

My warning to you is, it’s really real.

Okay, Bye.

My Sunday

I’m in my kitchen, on the laptop, listening to Bloc Party right now. Small red potatoes are on the stove, just finished cooking up a batch of ground turkey…gonna make shepard’s pie, yum.

So, I started another blog, it’s called Foster Culture, just to restate the obvious, it’s about the culture of foster care and all that applies. It’s something that has been on my mind a lot and I am thinking about writing a paper on the subject (under what circumstances, I have not yet figured out.) As far as I’ve been able to tell, there is not much information about foster culture and of who they are and how there place in the greater society. There truly is a unique way in which people growing up in this system interact with the world and in interpersonal relationships. I think an acknowledgment of foster care being a subculture in and of itself is important in order to better serve those part of the institution. Click here is you’re interested. Just to warn you, there’s a lot of writing and a lot of reading. I’m putting together a lot of information on foster care, so it may be boring stuff to some folks.

The rest of my Sunday…I rode a motorcycle, did laundry, hung out with a bunch of kids, talked to a few friends and cleaned. It’s been lovely.

If Joe or Kristen is reading this by chance, I have to say hello and send me pictures of where you guys are, I want to post them!

Répondez

What I wanted to say is, I am glad when things are going well for others. I think it’s okay that I check in from a distance, I’m not always comfortable in the mix and it seldom happens that you know someone that understands this about you, even if it is weird to them. For instance, I am more excited about this years holiday than I ever have been before, even though Casey and Sean will not be in town, who are more like siblings than best friends. Well, I’ve never been totally comfortable during the holiday season since for over half my life, I didn’t have family or too many friends to celebrate with, but this year I decided I was going to spend the part of the day (Christmas) that my kids are at their other family’s house at a group home for foster teens. I’ll make sure to find out ahead of time how many kids didn’t have a place to visit and buy a few gifts and just go and chill out and watch movies, play games or whatever. As weird as it is, I don’t think that anything has really ever sounded quite like “home for the holidays” as this.

Oh yeah, even though my car is dying, Hondas will always be #1 in my book. Unless of course it’s a 1964 Rambler Ambassador 990 which looks like this:

I would have so much fun driving this car, my gangster fantasy might come true. Back to the Honda, even though it has a rod knocking in the engin, see This is me when, it has still drives like a champ.

I hate being sick!!

I have a cold/flu thing that I can not shake and it sucks!!!!

I recently rediscovered the St Louis weather hotline. It’s 314-321-2222. Very exciting, especially since the weather here has been sporadic and crazy.

Also, I just found out about a week ago that my best friend won’t be coming home for the holiday time of year, for the second year in a row. Instead, she’ll be going to India. I told her, “What in the world could be in India that you can’t get here?” So now I’m all disappointed, but I guess I really am happy for her, in a bitter type of way.

Street Fashion

Are you a fan of unique fashion that mixes contemporary, vintage and subculture styles?

Then go visit Hel Looks

It really is good guys, one of my favorite fashion sites to visit. If I’m lying about it’s coolness, I’ll approve commentary about my retardedness. I promise.

And oh yeah, look at this…

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Teenage Wisdom

Another awesome conversation with a teenager:

Me: oh, I love this song, it was popular when I was about your age (16), which of course was a very long time ago (slightly sarcastic)

Teen: How old are you Ms. Kelly?

M: How old do you think I am? (I love to hear how kids/teens answer this question, especially now that I really am getting older)

T:Mmmm, maybe about 50, 58 (he says proud of himself for making a joke)

M: What?! You don’t mean that, how old?

T: Maybe about  34 or so, then,[laughing now, cause I'm obviously insulted (jokingly so)]

M: Let me give you some advise, when a woman looks old to you, calculate how old you think she looks and then subtract ten and that’s what you tell her!

T: Alright Ms. Kelly, I was joking, you really look more like you’re , um, 21 or so.

At this point he starts cracking up as I realized he just took my advise and chose the age he thought I looked and subtracted ten. I told him  he’s a fast learner. It was a funnier conversation than how it probably sounds in words, but whatever, I want to remember it! Smart kid or smart ass kid!

The worst thing ever

Lately I’ve been having these horrible incidents with a variety of animals, I think it’s an omen.

1. I was chillin out one night, watching tv and decided to get a snack, I turn the corner and there is an opossum eating from my cats food dish. As soon as it sees me with it’s creepy beady eyes, it runs behind my stove. Well, these creatures are fierce as hell and I know not to even try and mess with it. I called my neighbors and they came over to assess the situation. I for sure thought they were gonna bring an instrument of sorts that would shoo the creature out of my kitchen, but instead they brought a camera. Well after some yelling, a few people standing on chairs, professional photography and a broomstick, they animal escaped.  They haven;t sent me the pics yet, but when they do, I’ll make sure to post them.

2. A big huge dog hit my car on a very busy street. It came from no where, I locked up my breaks and he was hit. It sucked. There’s a whole long story to it involving  a Super Vet that suddenly appeared, a few road workers, a neighbor and a little old couple. In the end, everything worked out okay and the dog was taken to the Human Society with a broken foot.

3. This is the worst and it just happened tonight. My cat brings in it’s latest catch, a city chicken, otherwise known as a pigeon. So I have a hurt pigeon running through my house and feathers are jsut flyin all over the damn place. My friend who is over was not getting it, so seeing that it was hurt, I decided to just pick it up. This took a while as it was a hurt bird flapping all over the place (and I think pigeons are creepy). When I finally got it, I did one of the dumbest things ever which turned out to be the worst thing ever, I took the bird to my front porch, which stands about 4 feet from the ground and I throw the bird into the yard.  I thought the thing was gonna flap itself to the ground where it would hobble away into the yard…but no, that’s not what happened. Instead it followed the laws of gravity and with a great thud it lands in the yard about 10 feet away. I FREAKED OUT. WTF, I could not believe I had jsut done that. My friend busts out into hysterical laughter and I just was in disbelief as to my stupidity and was laughing and crying at the same time, I could not believe I had jsut done that, how horrible. I felt so bad and decided that we should put it out of it’s misery since I jsut threw the bird the equivalant distance to a human falling from a two story building. Well, I couldn’t kill it either, although that would have been the more humane thing to do,  so I picked it up and took it to my neighbors urban thicket and let it go. Oh great, now it jsut started raining heavily and all I can thing about is that creature sitting there in the thicket, hurt and sopping wet with my neighbors cat lurking.